Home > Single Girl Rules #GoddessContest(4)

Single Girl Rules #GoddessContest(4)
Author: Ivy Smoak

“Yes!” screamed Justin.

I opened the door and strutted out.

Justin put his hand to his forehead and fell dramatically onto a fainting couch. And I couldn’t blame him. I’d never looked so glamorous, and that was saying something.

Speaking of fainting…I was pretty sure all three other boys had actually fainted. Because they hadn’t said a word yet.

“Well, boys. What do you think?” I asked as I twirled in front of the mirror. Wow, I was obsessed.

“They’re nice,” said Teddybear without looking up from the stack of papers.

“Mhm,” grunted Ghostie.

“You didn’t even look!”


Bad Teddybear! I walked over and put my foot up on the paper he was reading.

He finally looked up at me. “Holy shit.”

“Aren’t these amazing?”

“Yes. But are you sure they’re supposed to be different heights?”

“Uh, yeah.” One of the lime green boots went nearly to my ass, while the other one was a little bootie. “Asymmetric boots are going to be a new trend.”

“Right?” said Justin. “Go to bed, matching shoes.” He said it with such disdain.

“What does that even mean?” asked Teddybear.

“It means the trend of matching shoes is 2014’s equivalent of a petulant toddler. They need to be sent to bed.”

“Uh, okay.” He went back to looking at the papers.

“Want to see more?” asked Justin.


He opened another box. “Oh my God. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Are you thinking that matching shoes just came back in?”

“Girl, yes.” He gingerly lifted one of the flawless pumps out of the box. “I have the perfect outfit to go with those. Give me a second.” He hurried off.

“Teddybear! Look at these! Matching shoes are back!”

“I thought you sent them to bed?”

“Uh yes. But then these happened.” I gestured to the pumps.

“Great,” said Teddybear. And then he turned back to his papers.

“What’s going on with you?” I asked. “Usually you love when I try on shoes. Did you not hear that we’re literally the first people in the world to get to see this collection?”

“I’m sorry. I do love it. I’m just really worried about Ash. And I’m a little confused about why you don’t seem to care at all about her. I thought she was your best friend.”

“Aw, Teddybear. You’re so cute. Of course I care about Ash.”

“Then why are you paying so much attention to those shoes instead of helping us plan her escape?”

“Uh…because I already have the perfect plan.”

“You do?” asked Teddybear.

“Yes. It came to me the second I saw those asymmetric boots. I told you shoe shopping helps me think!”

“And when were you going to share it with us?”

“I figured I’d give you guys a few minutes to come up with a plan of your own. You’re the big strong bodyguards. I didn’t want to embarrass you by doing your jobs.”

“Well, I can’t think of a way in. The only thing I’ve found is that one of the guards is a dude I used to know back in college. Ty Nado.”

“Were you friends with him? Having him let us in would be a hell of a lot simpler than my plan…”

“Hell no. I didn’t want to be anywhere near that guy. He was notorious for stealing guys’ girlfriends. The girls called him Tonguenado because of a certain skill he apparently had.”

“He eat pussy good?” asked Slavanka.

“One sorority literally put a statue of him in their front yard.”

I fanned myself. “First Simon tells me the guards all have huge dicks, and now Tonguenado? This plan just keeps getting better and better.”

“And what exactly is the plan?” asked Teddybear.

“It’s all about Single Girl Rule #4: You can never have too many shoes.”

“So…you’re gonna waltz in there, blow the guards, and then walk out with Ash?”

“Basically, yeah.”

“Impossible. I mean, those shoes are awesome. But a pair of shoes can’t be your entire plan.”

I laughed. “I know that, silly. Which is why I need four pairs.”

Teddybear stared at me.

“Rule #4. Four pairs of shoes… It just makes sense!” I typed out a list on my phone and waved Justin back over. “Can you have all that to me by the morning?”

He looked down the list. “Bride squad monokinis? Wait! Are you getting married?!” He was practically screaming. “You have to let me plan the wedding or I’ll literally die.”

Suddenly there was a binder in front of me with hundreds of sketches. Flowers, venues, dresses. Even cute little costumes for ring bearers.

“Did you sketch all this?” I asked. I flipped through the wedding dress section. “These are stunning.”

“Mhm. I love working at Odegaard, but weddings are my true passion.”

“I’ll make a deal with you. If you can get me all those outfits by tomorrow morning, then I promise you can plan my wedding. Some day.”

“Deal.” He shook my hand, snapped a picture of the list, and then ran in circles before disappearing into the back.

I turned back to the boys. “So here’s the plan…”



Chapter 3 – Gardener of Human Happiness

Saturday, Sept 21, 2013

“It’s all going to start on Roma Island. We’re going to…” I paused. There was no time to describe the plan when there were still so many shoes to try on. “Actually, just look at the list of outfits and everything will be clear.”

I tossed them my phone and grabbed the next shoebox.

“I thought you said four pairs of shoes,” said Teddybear. “There’s like 20 things on here.” He looked back down and started reading the list aloud. “Three bikinis, men’s swim trunks, Grecian referee togakini… What the hell is a togakini?”

“It’s a cross between a toga and a monokini. What else would it be?” Why is Teddybear being so basic?

“So like…a one-piece with your boob hanging out?” He gave me a seductive smile.

“Exactly! But I’m sure Justin will make it tasteful.”

“Of course.” Teddybear went back to reading the list. “Okay…these next two make sense, but you’ve lost me with the noblewoman stolakini.”

Slavanka ran out of the dressing room wearing nothing but one black boot. “Stalin-kini?! I wear! I wear!”

“No,” I said. “Not Stalin-kini. Stola-kini. As in…the garment worn by noblewomen in ancient Rome. But combined with a bikini.”

“We no honor Gardener of Human Happiness?” She looked so sad.

“I wasn’t planning to, no. And I’m not sure those are the words I would use to describe Stalin…”

“You prefer Great Leader?” she asked. “Or Brilliant Genius of Humanity?”

I was about to tell her about the millions of people that Stalin starved, but I didn’t want to burst her bubble. “Sure.”

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